-sigh- i just found out the women im in love with is dateing a guy right now who is 17 years older then her...


bleh.......Why does that always happen to me..i want to tell her..i want to let her know how i fell about it. but i can't i can't get my self to do it........:(

update

last night i tried to od...and it failed...i need to find a new way to end it all.

A Gamers View #8 "Downfall"

LoveSickGamer Joins

Its been a weird few weeks for me. I been rather depressed. Not Much as been able to make me smile. A few people I play with on Xbox Live....And thats about it..I have been seriouly taking the cowards way out. I started to wirte this blog to get my thoughts out in the open but i can't. At least not now.



LoveSickGamer Leaves Game

A Gamer's View # VII "Downloading Update"

Sup everyone. Long time no post...As many of you know. GTA IV came out on the 29th. Lets just say that has been taking up most of my time..


A while ago i found out my father is dieing..a part of me is going YAY! DIE YOU FUCKER!. While anther part of me is upset at this fact...the jury is still out if i really do care...


And the major part of this update..i told some one who i love with all my heart how i feel abotu her...im still waiting to hear from her..so my fingers are corssed..


Love Sick Gamer Leaves Game

A Gamer's View #6 "Stay Alive"

Yes I named this blog after a portal refrence. After doing alot of thinking. I need to stay alive. I got some great friends in my life. Starting with my clan mate's on Couch Commandos. Lucas/Brandon/Dwayn(spelling?)/Kat and a few other's i can't think of there names. You guys offer me an ecaspe from my real world troubles. My favorit gamer chick Madori. you make me smile and feel all warm and fuzzy in side...im happy to have you as a friend(Thinking i just did one of these not to long ago but this one is differnt). Even though Im having problems with your bother. Its you i rather play with. Wink wink ;) lol. And to my real world friends A few i just reconected with recently via facebook Chris Torye its great hearing form you two again. and Missy and Tim i love the both of you....i owe you two alot...


Im lucky to have friends who don't care what you look like and how stupid you act sometimes...


Or don't care what you end up saying when your smashed out of your skull lol.

A Gamer's View #5 "Thoughts"

I will be completey honsest with you all. I have been doing a lot of thinking. Mostly about the cowards way out. I havn't been happy in a long time. and every time i htink i can't get any lower. i sink a little more. I don't want to hurt the ones i care about. my friends my mother....but i feel like in the long run that me being around will only hurt htem more then one sudden stab of pain so to speak of my "disappearing". As i type this i am shakeing worse then a small dog on a coffee bender...I can't take this much longer. Granted i made some great friends on XBL latey. hell even a few of htem i care alot about. but i can't do tihs anymore. im tired of lieing to everyone and telling htem in fine. Im not. Its alot worse then anyone knows. Im sorry everyone.........

A Gamer's View #4 "Confused"

Why must i be confused about this person all the time? why must love hurt so?

why do i randomly post short crappy blogs sometimes?

A Gamer's View #3 "Time"

They Say time will heal all wounds. For osme that might be true. but for others it seems like time only makes it worse.

A Gamer's View #2 "Escape"

This Started out as a blog talking about ecaspeing form the real world. But at this point of time i can't do that. i feel like my whole world is silping away form me. I feel like im losing one of my closest friends. That scares me to death. This person is my rock. With out them i would be lost and broken somewhere. The sad part is. im the one doing the pushing away. The more i try to let go. the more it seems to hurt me. i love this person to death. but i feel like im no good for them.

WHY THE FUCK DO I FEEL THIS WAY????

A Gamer's View #1 " Love Bites"

Right now I'm sitting here crying. Yes I said crying. No its not because my favorite game broke or my system died. It's because my heart is broken. I love her. I understand that she doesn't want to be with guys right now. IT doesn't stop it from hurting though. I think about you all the time. There are times that I just want to hold on to you tight,melt in to you and forget the world around us. I want you to be happy. I also don't want you to hold your self back in fear of hurting me. I'll get over it. I always do. Even though it would feel like a dagger though the chest I'll get over it. You told me I shouldn't hold it inside. But if I told you what i really felt it could ruin our friendship. I don't want that to happen. Your my rock in this world. There have been times where I wanted to take the cowards way out of life. But you seem to show up or call at just the right time. You pulled me from the darkness so many times I lost count.Yesterday really fucking hurt. Thats why I was hiding in my own little world with music blasting in my ears. I couldn't face you with out crying or saying something I would regret later. Not until I composed my self. This might blog might come off as a little bit selfish but its the truth. Franky I don't want to meet anyone else..Male or female..your one of a kind. You make me laugh smile and feel good about my self. And yeah as you said it your self you can be an asshole. But ya gotta take the bad with the good right? I may feel alone right now. I might be alone for the rest of my life. But I would be waiting for you. Your the only one I want in my life. The only one I want to share my life with. That will never change. I might have meet a few other people. But there just friends nothing more...they don't make me feel as good as you do. You make me feel alive. You mean the world to me. (QUICK NOTE TO THE READERS: I know my blog/thoughts seem to jump from place to place It's because that is how I'm thinking right now. Sorry for anyone who is confused...)I'm Sitting here looking at my buddy list to see if your still idling. You are.I enjoy the time we spend together I know its not much but when we do,I forget all my problems and i feel safe and at peace around you. It's almost 2 pm now,I usually would of heard from you by now. Something in me is scared. I think yesterday affected us more then I cared to admit. Matter of fact, I think it's stora better I don't hear form you right now. It would probably push me off the edge I been teetering on for so long.